Gulorformed
By Matthew Green
Zeerok stepped out of the lander onto the barren red soil and drove the flag
into the ground.
"I claim this planet on behalf of the Gulorgat nation," said he, proudly, "and
I name this place Snickers."
"Bravo," said his second in command, Fuzz, who was munching on a chocolate bar.
"Lets get terraforming then."
"Now I dont believe we particularly want Snickers to have an environment like
that of Terra Firma, now do we?" cautioned Zeerok.
"Okay," said Fuzz, "lets get gulorforming, then!"
And thats exactly what they did.
Captain Fred Sandstone looked out through the forward viewport, unto the red
wonder that is Mars.
"Think about it," he said to nobody in particular, "we are to be the first
people ever to set foot upon the red planet! This is indeed a momentous
occasion."
"Sorry to interrupt your profound moment captain," said an unnamed extra who
was manning the scanners, "but Im getting a bizarre reading from this
atmosphere composition analysing thingy."
"And what might that be?" said Fred, who wasnt prepared to let even a rain of
men spoil his parade.
"According to this, and correct me if Im wrong, the atmosphere seems to
consist of mainly oxygen, with smidgens of argon and neon, at an atmospheric
density comparable to that of Earth."
"So?" said Sandstone, whose dense career military mind prevented him from
assimilating any scientific information whatsoever.
"So," said the scanner manner in the patient tones of one talking to a small
child, "a few months ago, when we left Earth, the atmosphere of this planet
consisted of a comparably sparse layer of carbon dioxide. But now it has a
significantly higher oxygen content than Earth, being that there its only
twenty percent oxygen, but here (on Mars), its ninety nine point nine
recurring percent oxygen."
The captain considered this for a moment.
"What youre saying," he hazarded slowly, "is that something funky has been
going on here."
"Precisely."
"Looks like an opportunity for some carnage," said Sandstone, his already
high-as-a-kite mood improving immensely, "take us down."
The pilot groaned inwardly, and steered the space craft towards its designated
landing position.
While in the process of landing, the ships scanners detected the presence of
an alien city on the surface of the planet. It was twenty miles from the
landing co-ordinates. Sandstone travelled there at an easy stroll, made easier
by Marss gravity of one third of a gee.
Fred sandstone was greeted at the city limits by what appeared to be a small
alien octopus.
"Why are you here?" demanded Zeerok, in as menacing a manner as it is possible
for a two foot tall entity to achieve.
"We come in peace," said Fred, "we were hoping to colonise your planet."
This startled Zeerok immensely.
"You mean Gulurus? Im afraid its already occupied."
"Ahh, so Gulurus is what you call this place then."
"It most certainly is not!" said Zeerok, who was shocked and appalled, "we call
this place Snickers."
Several minutes passed while the pieces fell into place.
"Youre telling me that you dont come from this planet?" Sandstone fumed.
"Of course not," said Zeerok, as if it was blatantly obvious, "we colonised
Snickers ourselves but a few weeks ago."
"This is our planet!" Fred yelled, "We have been planning colonisation for a
hundred years! We were going to build big glass domes, and everything!"
"Glass domes? You really are savages. Anyway, thats tough luck, we got here
first, see?" said Zeerok, "So you can just scoot off back to Terra Firma and
leave us in peace."
Before Fred had chance to deliver his witty retort (a swift kick in the head
for Zeerok), there came a rumbling from directly below. The ground exploded
outwards, and up from the hole stepped a large yeti-like creature.
The yeti stood for a moment, seeming to relish the air which surrounded it. It
turned to Zeerok and said, in an altogether pleasant voice: "You have restored
out atmosphere to its former glory, much obliged," it continued, "now if you
dont mind, please leave this planet before we beat the blue blazes out of the
lot of y."
Fred hastened his retreat as he espied more Martians emerging from the
underground caverns, some of them carrying planks with nails in them.
As the unnamed spacecraft accelerated to escape velocity, Fred Sandstone stared
through the forward viewport at the planet of dispute. He had no idea how long
the war between the extra solar system aliens and the Martians would last, but
he did know that the Terrans should be nowhere near while it was going on.
"The natives are revolting," he said, to nobody in particular.
"I know what you mean," said the scanner manner, "but its entirely unfair to
compare them to human values."
The End
Copyright contact Matthew Green.
2000, All rights reserved
all characters are fictitious in this story and no reference is intended to any
person living or otherwise.
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