Ghosthouses
by Rob Hopcott

Sound of ghostly telephone ringing.

Mandy:"Hello …………… you are through to Freephone Ghosthouses, Mandy speaking, how can I help you?"

George:"Yes, hello, it's George here, I'm a bit nervous - a first time caller - I'm always one for a good laugh, you know a nice comedy or comic drama but you are not having me on are you? Can you really find me a haunt?"

Mandy:  "Naturally! That's what we're here for. Ghosthouses is a service that's been established for hundreds of years to provide advice and guidance to select embodied and disembodied life forms seeking desirable abodes."

George:  "I'm a bit confused - I just held my hand to my ear and a phone appeared and the next thing I was through to you!"

Mandy:"We pride ourselves on our ease of access and utilise the most up to date of ancient technology. How can I help you sir?"

George:"This isn't a joke is it. I mean I am talking to a proper estate agency for ghosts."

Mandy:"Rest in peace - I mean completely assured, sir. May I ask you where you heard about us? I just need to know for our statistics sir?"

George:"Yes, yes of course, I understand. It was a chap I met in a lay-by. He said you found him a very desirable residence in some old disused offices. Since it seems he's an ex-accountant, he really feels at home."

Mandy:"Always nice to hear about satisfied clients, may I ask you how you came to be dispossessed".

George:"Well I've never actually been possessed. It's a bit embarrassing really. I'm sort of homeless, you know, on the streets - destitute."

Mandy:"Oh no, not another road accident."

George:"I'm afraid so - my wife bought me one of these new powerful super bikes for my 50th birthday".

Mandy:"She really hated you then!"

George:"What? Everything was great until an idiot decided to drive a manure trailer along this quiet country road. I rounded the bend there was the trailer, full of steaming, stinking pig 'fertiliser'. It could have been stopped for all the difference it would have made. "

Mandy:"What a way to go! No doubt about it, in my opinion, she definitely wanted to get rid of you. Disgusting I call it. She should have been charged with murder. Can you think of any reason she would want to get rid if you?"

George:"Well, now you mention it, she has been a bit friendly with the chief librarian, recently".

Mandy:"I'd take a holiday once you've got yourself established in the after life. Go back and haunt her a bit - it's good for the soul. A traffic accident is a rotten way to die. (She wasn't friendly with the farmer too was she?) Anyway, there's far too much of it about these days. At least when people mainly died in their homes, it gave them a place to start off haunting for a while. The motor vehicle has changed all. I can tell you it's posed many problems for us in the haunting industry."

George:"Well this is all very interesting but have you got anywhere for me to stay. I'm really desperate."

Mandy:"Well, if you want a peaceful haunting, it could be difficult at the moment. There are fewer empty homes on the market for first time haunters. It's to do what with the new rating legislation. Corporeals can't afford to keep properties empty. Of course there are lots of bankrupt shops as a result of the government's successful small business policies. But main roads and high streets are not that quiet."

George:"Anything, really, I'm getting desperate".

Mandy:"Would you be willing to consider something occupied?"

George:"Well, as you realised, I'm quite new in this ghost business. I was at a petrol station only the other day and I accidentally materialised as a woman was filling her car with petrol. She got such a shock that she let the tank overflow on to the forecourt. Her scream scared me so much I spontaneously combusted - well that was the end of the filling station."

Mandy:"Yeah, I heard about that. Twenty eight got re-housed by a competitor in an old warehouse. Lots of space but not many amenities. You should avoid that sort of thing or there'll soon be a real housing shortage."

George:"But how do I get to these places. Do you have detailed particulars?"

Mandy:"Goodness gracious, you are a beginner. All you have to do is listen to my description, think about it for a minute, want to be there and then you will be. A bit like the way you thought you were holding a telephone and then you were."

George:"Yes, I'm still getting used to that one".

Mandy:"Would you consider taking up possession on another planet or do you require a haunting on earth."

George:"Oh that's a new thought. You mean you've got properties on other planets?"

Mandy:"Of course we have, silly. Time and space are meaningless to us so whether we are haunting earth or elsewhere is irrelevant. We are proud of our thriving alien properties section."

George:"But wouldn't that mean that they could come over here and possess our properties".

Mandy:"Naturally - and they do! Think of some of the really strange sightings Corporeals have reported. Intelligent cloud forms, pink elephants, little people - all grist to our alien properties section I can tell you!"

George:"To be honest, I'm a bit nervous about going anywhere to view at the moment. Could you show me some pictures to help me decide?"

Mandy:"Better than that, have you thought
of calling us up on the Internet?"

George:"How do I do that?"

Mandy:"Same way as you did the telephone but think about a keyboard and a computer terminal. You'll be straight into our Web Site, Ghosthouse.com.Earth. Its modern facilities provide a high degree of interaction and user friendliness with eye blink menu control for limb challenged spirits."

George:"Will I still be able to talk to you because I really feel you are somebody I can relate to".

Mandy:"If you use the video link on top of your computer screen then you will be able to see me sir and I will be able to see you."

George:"Hang on a minute - I had my own computer business when I was alive so I'm quite at home doing this. Yes there it is and may I say what a lovely looking lady you are. I hadn't thought of you as a blonde with long hair - your slight American accent made me picture your hair as shorter and darker."

Mandy:"I can change it if you want sir. At Ghosthouses ......."

George:"Yes, it's OK I think I've got the gist - you will do very nicely as you are!"

Mandy:"There is one thing I would ask of you sir."

George:"For such a pretty girl as you and since we are getting on so well you are absolutely welcome to ask me anything!"

Mandy:"Well your left eye - it's sort of dangling out of it's socket, could you put it back please. I'm just going on my elevenses and gaping eye sockets and dangling eyes are unappetising sir - I'm sure you'll understand, sir. At Ghost house we pride ourselves on our reputable clients. If all our clients are going around seeing properties with dangling blood shot eyes, people might find it off putting, sir. I tell you what, why don't you browse our Web Site and then call us back - after you've put your eye back in it's socket of course."

Mandy:"Hello Ghosthouses here, Mandy speaking, how can we help you?"

Peter:"Hello Peter here. I've a complaint to make."

Mandy:"Oh no not you again. I thought we'd sorted you out."

Peter:"So did I, but when I first looked round the place you didn't tell me that it was a holiday home. There I was minding my own business, enjoying settling in and then suddenly ... mayhem. Children everywhere, happiness, enjoyment - it was absolutely terrifying. You described the place as quiet and gloomy. I call that a property mis-description. I could sue you."

Mandy:"Well there's lots of people dead and alive that can't imagineanythinggloomier than a late thirties red brick terrace in Burningham on Sea!"

Peter:"It's all very well you making a joke of it, but I've got bad nerves. I need somewhere quiet."

Mandy:"Hang on I've got something here. It's just come in. How do you fancy a walk in fridge that used to belong to a butchers - a cool ambience with unrestricted aspects on all sides?"

Peter:"Oooooooh - now that sounds better, even ideal - I'll move in straight away, see you later."

Mandy:"In the nicest possible way, sir, I hope not!"

Mandy:"Hello Ghosthouse here, Mandy speaking, how can I help you?"

George:"I'm sorry about the eye thing. I feel so embarrassed. There I was thinking I was charming you when all the time I was all grotesque."

Mandy:"There's nothing wrong with grotesque, sir, some of my best friends are grotesque. At Ghosthouses we believe in equal opportunities. But there's a time and a place for everything sir - as long as you are not wanting to enjoy your elevenses and a Jaffa cake of course. Now, how can I help you?"

George:"Well I thought that this one looked rather nice -

Mandy:"A good choice if I may say so sir, very tasteful. Used to be a country pub but the drink drive laws closed it down - previous owner committed suicide and haunted the place for a while but then felt he wanted a change and moved on to an Olde Worlde Tea House. They say he's very popular with the tourists because he doesn't mind materialising in crowds. Feel free to spend a couple of days over there - sort of on approval - to see if you like it."

Caller:"Su dnouf uoy ytreporp ecin eht rof uoy knath ot gnillac tsuj."

Mandy:"Ghosthouses here,the agency that really cares. Mellow Mandy speaking, how can Ireallyhelp you?"

George:"It's George here - I say I tried that place. You were absolutely right it was lovely and quiet. It was in a lovely country location. There was a beautiful garden outside with all sorts of wild flowers and a little pond. There were oak beams and open log fire places. Completely ideal for a new ghost seeking tranquillity".

Mandy:"I get the feeling that this leading to something."

George:"It's boring. I sat there for hours and had nothing to do. I've spent my whole life being busy and the thought of doing nothing for day after day is an absolute nightmare."

Mandy:(with a sigh:) "I can see that this is going to be one of those days. Couldn't you commune with the butterflies or something."

George:"Well there was an earwig passing. I tried being friendly but talking about the joys of watching wood rot just made me fidget - quite a lot."

Mandy:"George, I've just put on my thinking cap for you and come up with a brilliant idea. This George, believe me, will be absolutely ideal."

George:"You mean it?"

Mandy:"Definitely. You would make an absolutely perfect temporary dramatic ghost ."

George:"Well I did help put on an amateur play once - I had to bang a drum at the tense bits. But what exactly is a temporary dramatic ghost ?"

Mandy:"Well ghosts that have a regular dramatic haunting - you know, tragedies, re-enacted murders, blood oozing from floorboards - just like everybody occasionally need a rest. Sort of respite if you like. Sometimes they appreciate having somebody standing in for them. You know, somebody to keep the show going on while they are away. All situations are short term so you'll never get bored. You'll be provided with a script to work to so you won't have to make any decisions - it's perfect for a novice ghost that's prone to boredom. And it'll give you a good opportunity to try your hand at a variety of situations."

George:"Sounds great - I'll go for it!"

Mandy:"And here's an ideal first assignment. You are required, in return for bed and board, to occupy a tumble down house for a week. It's quite a light tragedy. The present occupant is a nice young boy who got trapped there and died in agony. He doesn't appear for everybody. Just other small boys - sort of as a public service warning."

George:"But I don't look like a little boy".

Mandy:"Use your imagination and you'll have no problem".

George:"Yes! I must be positive. It's a long time since I wore short trousers - I'll take it!"

Mandy:"Well look! It's time for lunch already. I've missed my elevenses again and I'm starving. I'd better go before the phone rings. Never mind, it's been a good morning - even if I say so myself.

           There's still Gloomy Pete to sort out but he'll be all right on hold. Maybe I'll have a brilliant idea about him while I eat. Now come to think of it, I heard of an empty space station feeling lonely the other day andalsothere's the growth market for haunting the inside of computer screens......"

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